Camden Council wants to reward me for recycling; a law which is already punishable with a penalty fine. For recycling all my cardboard and paper, they’re going to give me vouchers. For local cafes. That sell coffee. In paper cups with cardboard sleeves.
I particularly like that their little scheme involves sending “bin spies”, which is cool because I’ve never been to Russia.
Royally gutted finding out the whole recycling process actually consumes more energy than is efficient or good for the planet. The one thing that made me feel really good. And tangibly, not distant, yeah, someone, somewhere down the line now finds their twice-daily 20k hike for water 0.4% less taxing (but I’ll only remember I even agreed to it when I check my bank statement).
I don’t donate money to Africa. I haven’t inspected the quality personally, but I get the feeling Sierra Leone’s warlords have enough platinum plating on their M16s to be getting on with. I like to think my vaping adds moisture to flowering plants and also, it helps educate children on how trains used to work. I can’t measure my carbon footprint, because carbon isn’t visible and I mostly wear socks.
So I’d recycle, which made me feel good (N.B. Camden Council, still do). Newsflash. When I do shit, I don’t do it by half.
Tins are for amateurs. The real pros can spend a solid five minutes evaluating which parts of the soup container are really, truly recyclable, and which are purely there to fuck with your head because yes, it’s plastic- but not that kind of plastic. Thought you were gonna hoodwink me, there? THINK AGAIN, MY FRIEND!
I know your lids like the back of my expert, goddamn hands. I see your semi-permeable membranes of witchery and I will not be fooled. And though there are so very many other things I could be doing with my five minutes, I’m happy to be your green bin bitch because not only did I get soup, I got dopamine for being such a good girl.
I think they also offer vouchers for independent stores. Who probably sell soup.
This will never end.
I couldn’t find a picture of a recycling bin that wasn’t either weeping with McDonald’s overflow or so achingly patronising, it made Lucky’s cumulative 40k water trek seem comparatively dignified, so here’s a picture of mummy and baby elephant. They have a forthright march, because they’re off to the sustainably sourced dump.