The Shit People Put In Their Mouths, These Days


Kale is not a food. It’s something Waitrose stitched together then dyed green to fill the gap in the market between cabbage and moisturiser for people who’ve spent too long on yoga mats.

You know what’s real? Unicorn Milk. I love this lot. It’s like they took Care UK’s most special people, made them a bit more special, gave them a pen and were like, you know what? Whatever you write down? That’s what we’re gonna name this stuff. Seriously. Whatever the fuck ends up on that paper.

Think I’m joking? I have a friend who vapes Bird Brains.

Also, what the fuck, Vampire Vape? You have the genius to name these two to literally fly off your shelves and they’re not even blue?


What Have You Done To Us, Southern California?

Is cold vegetable soup just… a smoothie in a bowl?

I posted this to Facebook and someone said it depends, does it contain kale? No, no kale. My mother doesn’t read The Guardian.