The Wheels On The Bus Go Round And Round

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GCSE history asked me, “Do revolutions come full circle?”.

It took longer for my dying hardware‘s endless revolving tabs to complete typing that than it did to fill out four A4 pages of essay. Castro had fidelity built into his namesake. By all means, polish the fuck out of your latest UI. I’ve restarted to upgrade and then some and while it’s really nice you now tell me it will once again be cloudy with a chance of rain, please don’t call your product ‘revolutionary’.

I’m not in the business of recreating history, but I got tabs here competing with the Kuomintang March. If you need your smartphone to work that one out- however long Google Maps estimates for a kilometre. Multiplied by 9,000.

Twitter is dying. Mao killed the birds. If only I weren’t too chicken to do a powerwash.

Also, that should totally come with a scent. Like orange blossom. Or, you know, new laptop smell.

Curriculum Vitae? More Like Crossword Vulture.

  • I acquire disproportionate amounts of satisfaction from stacking the dishwasher really, really well.
  • I cannot fall asleep unless every electronic device I own is charging.
  • I hate that I think Kanye West is the most narcissistic, pig-headed individual on the planet and still, I listen to his music.
  • When I’m doing crosswords, I pencil in the imagined correct answers next to but never in the actual box . I’ll only take the real plunge right at the very end.
  • When will I ever find another human being who appreciates Modern Toss?

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I’m proposing a revolution. That people finally put their real skills on their c.v. Yes, real skills. Those little  idiosyncratic characteristics that make us who we are. People are not ‘driven’, ‘conscientious’, ‘motivated’. People like their biscuits dunked a certain way and will or won’t fly into absolute, disproportionate rage at other people who do or don’t put the milk in before the tea. People sit on trains and make anagrams out of the station names. They watch trashy tv and don’t care. They’re not just two arms, two legs, varying quantities of brain matter and a string of adjectives. To be honest, I’m surprised recruitment consultants didn’t die out years ago from combined boredom and mass suicide.

To me, someone who cannot get dinner on until they’ve finished the SudoKu suggests far more dedication than someone who just says, look at me and how dedicated I am by writing “look at me and how dedicated I am”.

You’re not dedicated. You’re boring.

So let’s start listing our real assets. Unable to work in chrome unless you have a gmail window permanently open in the far left tab? Insist on eating only organic bread but refuse to give up cigarettes? Fine. You’re a hypocrite and you don’t care.

I’m not a recruitment consultant. I have no plans to be one. But I frequent enough platforms that require originality to know it when I see it and mourn its absence when I don’t. Got a blog that’s funny and edgy? Great. Chances are, I’m, reading it because it’s full of, guess what… funny and edgy. Got a boring blog that’s just reposts of other peoples’ reposts and have the gall to ‘describe’ your blog as funny and edgy? No.

So I’ll start my little protest march and if need be, wave my little flag of creativity alone. Here’s an idea, though. Join me?